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here is a great selection of man utd jokes
David Beckham is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stands
up and offers that if my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street and a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy.
"No," Beckham says, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children droveoff a cliff, killing everyone involved..... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Beckham. "That is what we would call a GREATLOSS."
The room is silent, none of the children volunteer.
"What?" asks Beckham, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says "If an airplane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb, *that*
would be a tragedy."Beckham beams. "Marvellous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a
tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "because it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
Two boys are playing football on a park in London. Suddenly a dog appears and sinks its teeth into the younger boy's chest. The elder picks up stick and drives it through the dog's heart, killing it.
A reporter observes all of this and asks the boy if he can write a story on it. He takes out a notebook and puts down the title
"ARSENAL FAN SAVES FRIEND'S LIFE"
The boy says "I don't support Arsenal". so the reporter puts down
"CHELSEA FAN SAVES FRIEND'S LIFE"
The boy says "I don't support Chelsea",so the reporter asks "Who do you support?", and the boy replies "Man U". So, the reporter writes down
"GLORY HUNTING IDIOT KILLS FAMILY PET"
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Cindy Crawford, Bill Gates and Saddam Hussein were hanging out.
Cindy says: I'm da most beautiful girl in da world.
Bill Gates says: I'm da most richest dude in da world.
Saddam Hussein says: I'm da most hated man in da world.
They are all very proud of their assertions.
Cindy Crawford says: I've got a truth mirror in my house. It gives u all the truthful answers. Wanna see it?
So they all go to cindy's house.
Cindy comes out 2 mins later . She is happy, and she says: I am right! the mirror says I'm da most beautiful girl in da world!
5 mins later, Bill Gates comes out. He is happy, and he says: I'm right! the mirror of truth says i'm da most richest dude in da world!
10 mins later, Saddam comes out . He is furious. He says:
WHO THE HELL IS DAVID BECKHAM!???!!!
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Beckham, Keane and Ferguson are all trapped on the roof of a burning building.
The Fire Brigade duly arrive and hold out the big blanket for the guys to jump onto. They are understandably all a bit nervous but, being a brave lad and the club captain, Keane goes first. At the last second, the firemen whip the blanket away and Keane splats on the pavement, dead.
Still giggling, the firemen shout to Ferguson to go next. He jumps, they move the blanket, he makes a pancake on the pavemant, high fives all around from the firemen.
Last to go is Beckham. But he's not having any of it....
"You'll move the blanket" he shouts.
"No we won't" they reply.
"It's no good, I don't trust you. You'll move the blanket again" shouts Becks.
"Come on, jump you fool" they shout.
"Well, alright" he replies.
"But I'm not jumping until you put the blanket down and move at least ten yards away from i..."
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.
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Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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A brick and a Man United fan are thrown of the top of Old Trafford. Which one hits the ground first? The brick of course. The United fan has to stop and ask for directions !
Q. How do you stop a Man. United fan from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head!
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Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
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Q: What's the difference between a female Manchester United Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
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Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea.
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Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
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Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Manchester United Fan?
A: A Doberman.
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Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
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